Sittin on the street
Crowds all round
Flashing lights n smiles
Ready to raise a toast
It's lonely here
With everyone else
But you
I was born without you
I will die without you
I knew you but for a short time
And you became my world
One more way to live
One less way to die
I've moved beyond your reach
And joined the party tonight
Sitting on the street
Crowds all around
I begin to hear the music
And see the lights
All around
I read in a book*
That you can only love
The unconquerable
And that is why
I will never be loved
Because I am
So very conquerable
So easy to grasp
And make your own
And that is precisely why
You never will
You want the rose surrounded
By thorns
Not the easy availability
Of a waiting hibiscus
The thrill of the scratch
Not the pleasurable fragrance
Of the sweet magnolia
Your hands bleeding and raw
Still reach for every
Dead end thorn
You will never reach
For what could be yours
*We by Yevgeny Zamyatin
It's a new year my friend
There's a fork in the road
I pick it up
But it doesn't tell
Which way to go
I'm only half listening
But I thought
I heard you say
That I could build something new
Beginning on New Years day
Nice idea
For an empty sentiment
Yeah, I've got the pieces
All around
But the instructions
Are all in Chinese
So I guess
I will just follow the stream
That represents a path
That depicts a road
That's really a metaphor
Leading away into this new year
Just me and my fork
That I found in the road.
Listen
There's a story in here
But I don't know
How to tell it
It's not got a happy ending
It's not got an ending at all
Nor much
Of a beginning either
The characters are striking
For their lack of character
Their hopes are puerile
Their dreams prurient
Concerned with minutia
They forget their purpose
There is a story in here
But I've not got
The stomach to tell
They lock themselves away
In castles made of plastic
Hoarding meaningless bobbles
In vanity they swim
Hating each other
For what they don't have
Casting stony aspersions
Through glass hearts
They tear each other apart
Desperate to tell
A story that's not thiers
There's a story in here
But it's best left alone
There's a story in here
But It's not getting told
French toast vanilla smiles
I caught you looking
I caught your eyes
Never said a word
But I know we exchanged sighs
You knew what you wanted
Knew what I had
But you never made your move
And now you'll never know
Can't slow down girl
Can't wait on you
It coulda been something
Coulda been wild
But you missed your chance
Now I gotta be gone
Seeking my own fortune
My own dreams
Woulda been nice to know you
Your eyes so right
But I had to keep goin
No time to wait for you.
Driving home tonight
Heard a song on the radio
Singing about kissing his girl
And oh my imagination
Is a terrible thing
Like a clever sadist
I imagine what it would be like
Just to kiss you
Just one brief kiss
To set me free
But reality bears down
And crushes
My suddenly soaring spirit
A kiss I know I'll never have
But just the slightest thought
A whimsical dream
And I can almost taste the bliss
Here I am today, Whatcha say
Gotta watch my mouth
And keep it straight
Ain't gonna bust you out
Ain't gonna say a thing
Your time will come around
You can sing your own songs
But don't hold me back darlin
Cuz you knew Whatcha had
And you said you'd had enough
So don't come round here
Sniffin me out
You had your chance
I done had my say
Ain't gonna tell you again
Just gonna keep it that way
Tomorrow is a risky business
No control over what might be
Gotta let loose
And see what happens
Gotta stop fear
From controlling me
Nowhere is it written
That I have to be
A slave to my own skeletons
Gotta leave the bags behind
And bluster my way through
Gotta pretend that I'm ok
And maybe I can make it true
Quiet little angel
Can't you see
Flapping your wings
Disturbs the air around me
Stirs up the dust
Of a long ago past
Revealing the rust
On the underpinnings of life
I know you're trying to help
To clean me up a bit
Get my spirit moving
Make me better fit
But your worries and effort
Stirs to much hurt
And steals from me
My only comfort
Leave me still
Please let me be
Life is just too much effort
Don't know why you can't see
But try as I might
I can't be free
Of your loving encouragement
To be better than the current me
Color my ragdoll face
With your magic markers
Rejection blue
Or a rosie hue
From an unintentional smile
Paint my ragdoll face
In ragged lines
I can be anything, baby
That I think you need
I can sing and dance
Smile and whine
Just tell me what way to be
With a saucy glance
Ragdoll hearts
Not much there honey
But you can paint me
Any way you see
Sweet, be my mistress
Let those painted smiles
Twist us
And I promise
I'll be your clean slate fool
Whenever you're through
What price do I pay
Cuz I can't play
The games of today
Some will say
Just enter the fray
Best not delay
Or your heart'll decay
Their argument may sway
Cuz I want to be ok
But I don't know the way
Off this lonely cay
So here I stay
Calling my lonely bray
Wish I could betray
And make a foray
And that may
Make one hurray
Before I pass away
It's Christmas Eve my sweet
What delight will there be tonight
Handmade treats
And well wrapped gifts
Meaningful momentos
Underneath childhood ornaments
Soft candle light
And sacred hymns
Noels and Silent Nights
It's Christmas Eve my love
These are things past
Quiet memories
Like Dickens' Ghosts
Come and go through the night
Reminding me
Of where I've been
And whispering tomorrow's hope
And now I'm getting desperate
One chance
Just one more dance
One last glance
And a made up romance
Saw the captain leave the scene
One for me
And two again
Should've left no evidence
Snuck around the daily grind
Surprised by the find
Hope you dont mind
If I save a rhyme
Tryin to elude
The natural consequence
I delude myself
That I'm free and clear
Safe here
No one can hear
When I play at sincere.
Shoulda seen it comin
You callin outta the blue
Shoulda paid attention
Maybe I coulda avoided you
You always gotta do it
Rockin my world with ur innocence
You always got it goin on
Messin with my inner sense
You don't know what you do
With that wayward glance
You don't know
That I ain't gotta chance
Wish I could beg ya
But girl, please don't stop
Wish I could leave ya
But my heart done drop
(Smooth moves
And sideways glances
Leaves a man's heart
Where a woman dances
I caught you there
And took my chances
Tried to keep up
And avoid romances)
Mourned ur silence
My heart skipped a beat
When I heard ur voice
Yea baby
I'm ur codependant ragdoll
Shake me up
And tie me down
I ain't nuthin but ur clown
A codependant ragdoll
Ready to be twisted
Tossed
And told how to feel
Baby I'm ur's for the stuffin'
Whip my head around
Make me ur clown
Ur codependant ragdoll
Baby, just toss me aside
Without even thinkin
You put a grenade in my soul
Let it sit for a minute
And pulled the pin when you ran
Explosion in my head
Tearin up my heart
No peices to put together
Nothin left to find
You launched an attack so secret
You didn't know yourself
You crept up on both of us
At let the bomb rip
Explosion in my head
Tearin up my heart
No peices to put together
Nothin left behind
A suicidal surprise
Your secret agent cover blown
You hid the evidence
Then did the violence
Maybe I gave you credit
For not knowin what your doin
Maybe I was wrong
And maybe the truth is out
Explosion in my head
Tearin up my heart
No peices to put together
Nothin left to find
You snuck into my club
Cover just too high
You didn't want my dance
So, baby, you imploded
Explosion in my head
Tearin up my heart
No peices to put together
Nothin left behind
You left the me in the dust
Shook off your skirts
On to someone else's dream
With your finger on the trigger.
I need an antidote
To the way I feel
Maybe a cingulotomy
Maybe two
I'm getting beyond ridiculous
And landing firmly in foolishness
I need some magical draught
Some potent elixir
To fix what's wrong with me
I get the message
I get the point
I get that I'm not the point
It's easy to think
I should simply do something else
But it ain't happening
Without something else
So some talisman
Some neoclassical bit of fluff
I'm searching for something
To remind me
That I've had enough.
Just because you love someone
He said
Doesn't mean u can be with them
I nodded in agreement
Taking a different meaning
Than what he'd meant.
I have to wonder
What's wrong with me
When even my friendship
Is rejected
Leaving me to feel
Dejected and ejected
Facing each day
As it comes from the future
I have one chance
To make it a good past
And I'm tryin awfully hard
But I can't make it last
But why should I worry
About what you think
Why do place so much import
Upon what you opine
If I can't stop this habit
I'll be lost in the brine
I've got to pick a new topic
Upon which to obsess
But I still have that nagging itch
How onerous is my presence
That I have to be your pariah
Of that, I can't make sense.
I looked out today
And all I saw was night
I heard the children
Playing in the distance
I knew the sun
Had to come round
But I haven't seen it for weeks
Everyone's going on
Rushing through their day
Don't they realize its night
And the sun has gone away
I saw the man on tv
Talking about the news
The weather girl
Was all smiles
Sports guy just stood there
I think he was the only one
He realized night had overtaken
The day
Willfully ignorant
Or horribly dazed
No one seems to realize
This is the end of my days
It makes no difference
What I have to say
Noone pays attention
Nobody has the time
The world keeps spinning
The sun rises for them
But for me
Each day a night
Each night darker than the last
Did you ever take a knife
To what was left of your life
And cut through the strife
Did you ever pick out bits
From grey matter hits
That really cut through your wits
Did you ever drink an potion
Because of a crazy notion
That it would put your life back in motion
Did you ever smell a rat
Tellin a lover where its at
And she made you feel smaller than a gnat
Did you ever go out on a limb
Just on a whim
Only to find out it made you look dim
Did you ever start to trust
Thinking its a must
Then to see your life turn to dust
Been there
It's never fair
Cuz it led nowhere
All this wonder and worry
Makes you live life in a hurry
Never time to enjoy a good curry
So stop
Drop
And laugh til ya pop
Cuz there ain't no more
Than this little chore
And life don't have to be a bore
A mixed blessing
Being with you
I want to reach out
And remove your pain
I want to bring a smile
To your aching heart
But you've put up a fence
I cannot pass
You've blocked my every effort
At companionship and trust
So alone I must watch
As the tears slowly play
Across the grief of your heart
And the hollows of your day
Love
It's just a random quantum flux
In the haze of uncertainty
No one's really sure
What direction it will take
Or how powerful it could be
Or maybe its an unanticipated
Vibration
In the strings of my life
Randomly struck
In the fifteenth dimension
Of your reality
Or possibly
Just decaying orbital states
Stealing electrons
And binding us together
Like Van der Waal playing cupid
Either way, I'm stuck
Bound up in forces
Far beyond my understanding
And control
I am twisted and bent
Folded into forms
I can't prevent
Responding the best I can
To the ways of love
I need a vacation
From myself
Just a little time
To be someone else
Some time to try a different set
A host of problems not my own
Ups and down that aren't mine
Some stresses just on loan
That way maybe I could see
That my problems are light
And I will stop living
In a constant state of fright
But I know it won't happen
I'm stuck where I've always been
Trying to rationalize my way
Out of my private lion's den
I met a man named Pilgrim
He explained saying
He was always searching
For what? He never said
He was abandoned at three
And raised himself
Turning odd jobs and such
Being quite young and small
He had some advantages
Chimney sweep, plumbing
And duct work
By five, according to him
He'd amassed a small fortune
And decided to invest
In wrangling wild horseradish
The best kind, he said
Wild and free
Gave the dude ranch folks
Something to see
Having tired of playing cowboy
By the time he was twelve
He turned his attention
To micro-engineering
Making fuel efficient cars
For mites and badgers
Small electric razors
For shaggy kangaroo rats
And that's when he first saw her
At seventeen he caught a peek
At a woman definitely older
At all of twenty-one
She sat in the desert
Knitting scarves for snakes
And delicate pinion warmers
For birds of prey
Her name was Raspberry
She said
Because it was the flavor
Of her tears
Pilgrim and Raspberry
Made a pact
To be married by twenty-five
And right on time
They tied the knot
Gordian, it turns out
But they made the best of things
And opened a candle shop
Selling delicately flavored candles
That always burned green
Well into their nineties
The two stayed together
And that's when I met him
As he sat by her side
In the hospital
Waiting for the end
She of cancer
And he of heart break
He spoke to me
In whispers too soft
He didn't want to disturb her
And she smiled
Without him knowing
He told me tales
I hardly believed
But one thing stuck out
And brought a raspberry tear
Find someone to love
To have and to hold
Forgive them everything
And your love will never grow old
Tell them you love them
And mean it each time
Hold hands
And embarrass the kids
By making out at the show
Never let go of ones true love
And ones true love
Will never let you go
The quality of me
Has nothing to do with you
But like a gem in the night
I'm ripe for the taking
Think for a moment
Is that really true
Am I a gem
Waiting for you
Or is it maybe better
If I were to say
That I am a could be
A hoped for someday
It could also be said
That gem is not exactly true
For a gem derives it value
From me and you
And nowhere have I seen
That the same could be said
Of the value me
A hoped for someday
Has value just because it is
Standing in the corner
Trying to catch your eye
Is possible for you to see me
I know that it is not
Spent my life pursuing
An easy invisibility
Making myself opaque
Even if my actions were not
Never wanted to he seen
But always wanted to be noticed
Even if I never admitted
I thought it was ok
To live without being seen
I rationalized my whims
And now must pay the price
As never before
I now wish to be seen
To find someone who will notice
Not just what I do
But who I am
Fly away
Swim time
Dancing free
From every care in the world
I spin for the pure joy
Laugh til tomorrow
Telling jokes
Just to myself
To taste the sun
And swing on a sun dog
Breathing joy
Feeling beyond the limits
Just had one glimpse of you
Drinking in the night
Turning every lost hope
Into its own starlight
I went to class
Math, baby, just to see
I studied all the greats
To find hope for you and me
And listen dear
To what I found
It just ain't gonna work
There no way 'round
Tried to find the rate of change
As hope reaches zero for us
Tried to find our changing sum
But we just don't fit the calculus
Algebra class was just as rough
Too many x's and y's
To many unknown variables
To figure out all the why's
I finally settled on sets
Simple sums and addition
They gave me clues
To my condition
You see we just don't add up
A ten doesn't equal a one
The two don't belong together
So dear, I think we're done
It's a thin cover I see
You bein so nice to me
Honey, don't need sympathy
Just wanna be free
C'mon and brush up against my side
Tell me my heart ain't lied
Go on and swallow your pride
Cause from you I just can't hide
Life's a mystery
Why can't there be
A simple you n me
Both of us flying free
Don't have to be my bride
Your heart ain't gonna be tied
I just wanna be tried
My heart ain't gonna hide
You drive from me my sanity
Cuz you just won't see
That I might hold the key
To your heart bein free
So when you've cried
And the craziness subsides
In me confide
And I'll be at your side
PART 5
Sitting alone
The smells of joy all around
He felt out of place and alone
He just couldn't
Get past the thought
That he'd over-reached
And gone a bit too far
But something had to change
Cuz his heart was breaking
And someone in the crowd
Whispered past him
Faith must build upon itself
One step today
Brings two tomorrow
And four the next
You don't have to like it
You won't have fun
You will wet yourself
And feel lost and alone
But you must hang on
One bloodied step at a time
You have to ride the razors edge
And believe that
He remains in control
If you let Him
Just don't forget to breath
And utter some thanks
For one more chance
Just one more
PART 4
Expect the best
A stale fortune
From a stale cookie
He'd made a decision
He was afraid he could never keep
The prospect
Of meeting his own expectations
Was daunting
He wanted nothing more
Than to simply disappear
He thought that he'd put
Scaevity behind him
But that Familiar
Was his to keep
Stranded in his own indecision
Despite the decision
He just couldn't go on
PART 3
The distance between
What was and what was to be
Was too far for him to suffer
To much for him to endure
An ananthema to all he holds dear
Love's pariah
At least that's what
He'd come to believe
So he made his decision
Based upon half deluded views
Incomplete assertions
And an overcast judgement
He decided to set out
To prove he could be
Exactly what he knew
He was not
I'm a Fool to Want You
J. wolf / herron / frank sinatra
I’m a fool to want you I’m a fool to want you To want a love that can’t be true A love that’s there for others too
I’m a fool to hold you Such a fool to hold you To seek a kiss not mine alone To share a kiss that devil has known
Time and time again I said I’d leave you Time and time again I went away But then would come the time when I would need you And once again these words I had to say
Take me back, I love you ...i need you I know it’s wrong, it must be wrong But right or wrong I can’t get along
Without you
PART 2
Gun to his head
And he couldn't stand it
His only hope
So he thought
Was to make that gun
A reality
He was tired of struggling
Tired of hope
The only way out
Was through the morgue
But he thought
At least he was taught
That a life ended too soon
Would bring endless torment
The worm
They say
Never stops turning
But he was never quite sure
Which one was worse
So he kept up the pretense
Of a faith
He knew God knew
He didn't have
PART 1
And now comes
A faithless sacricolist
A well accomplished
Hypocrite
A man who is a shadow
Of what he was meant to be
Celebrating the Holy Days
With a hollow heart
The guilt of a thousand
Missed chances
Threatening to crush
What's left of his soul
But he shrugs it off
Like so many other lessons
So caught is he
In his own morass
That he can't but help to fail
At the task
for which he was made.
I saw you check your watch
I saw you keeping time
You turned around to find me
But...
I saw your eyes sparkle
I saw that special gleam
You turned so I'd notice
But...
I heard you laugh out loud
I heard you softly smile
You turned for me to join in
But...
I heard your aching sobs
I heard that mournful cry
You turned to me for comfort
But...
You forgot that you'd left me
Told me to lose my way
You said I should be a never was
And I should cease to be
You lost the best part
Of what made you you
Then you took
That part of my heart
To try to make you you again
And in that fraction
Between now and then
You ended up losing
Your dearest friend
A telemarketer's calling my name
I haven't a dime
But I listen just the same
Some wonderous product
Of that I have no doubt
But without cash money
I'm doin without
Listen sir, let me explain
Cause when I'm done
You'll no cause to complain
So I listened quite intently
To everything she had to say
But its always the same
I have no way to pay
Just gimme one more try
And I've no doubts
You'll be ready to buy
Listen girl, I said at last
What I really need
It's not a knock off product
But a simple deed
A moment of human kindness
A tender loving touch
A smile to light my day
Is that really asking too much
She stopped talking
And just listened
Without baulking
What I want
Just ain't for sale
But one day I'll find it
I just can't fail
Searching through every sigh
Through every smile
I'll keep going til I find it
Mile after mile
She hung up at last
And I wondered aloud
If I'd made any difference
Or was I just one of the crowd
As Lulu's sweet dark secrets
Crept through me
I began to realize
I just have to be
Who I am
No pretending
No artificial sweeteners
No, just what I am
I can hope where I choose
I can laugh when I want
It's ok if my eyes turn to tears
Each separate thing
Each makes clear
In the complex mix of me
Every bit as important as another
And no matter how much
How much you waste
There will always be more
No matter what flavors
You reject
For whatever reason
You object
I will be me and more
One more step
On a 3000 day journey
I just cannot do
I'm tired of the mountains
The valleys
The deserts
And plains
All seem so empty
Since you went away
I hear the ghost of your voice
Whispering in the wind
Reminding me what I've lost
And where I'll never tread again
I long to rest
To stop this endless search
For what I will never find
I want to stop
To sleep
And forget about you
Captain, what are your orders
Captain, your orders....
Flashback
Icarus launched
Straight and true
Flying for a new home
As humanity breathed its last
One last hope
One last dream
Into the stars
We commended ourselves
A planet to find
A new home for man
We search the stars
For somewhere to land
...
At last on the scope
A hospitable host
A planet of promise
A place of hope
We plot a cautious course
Not sure what to expect
But our hope grow wildly
Despite our effort
We grow closer and close
Long range sensors
Paint the picture
A place of riches
But dangerous it seems
Hidden risk
Must be considered
Before we scout too far ahead
...
At last we arrive
In the system
Of proposed hope
The closer we come
The greater the pull
Her gravity well runs deep
But we ignore the risk
Until we find
It's much too late
We are stuck here now
Caught in her pull
The choices are few
The consequences many
And the crew is screaming
Like the alarms before
Captain your orders...
But I've no idea what to do
I thought I caught a glimpse
Of you
On my horizon
Like the early morning mist
On a quiet sea
Illusionary hope
I told myself
Foolish dreams, I shouldn't hope.
Like sweet smelling sunshine
I saw you come so close
And I dare not break
The silence I imposed
For if I spoke
The dreams could fail
And I could lose
What little remained
But I watched and tried
Not to hope.
Til you caught glimpse
And smiled my way
I trembled in fear
Of what you might say
I worried and fret
As you made your way
Across the room
And over to me
I waited and saw
With each nearer step
You cast upon me
A shadow of hope.
And how did we act
Like two familiar strangers
Falling back into a rhythm
I'd missed so much
You made me dance
And sing and laugh
You gave wing
Once more to hope.
Not the shallows
Of what is not
But of the simple pleasures
Of being
Of friendship beginng
Perhaps anew
No expectations
No demands
Just this moment
Me with you.
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