I watched her face in the mirror
As she walked behind me
Her face, serene
Concentrating
She looked up
Caught my eye

Time stopped

Again

I fell backwards
Off the world and into
the dark
Gasping
Unable to breathe
Crying
Unable to call out
Praying
Unable to believe

Flashing images

Green eyes
Blond hair
Ruby lips
Faded meadow
Ash fall forest
Black teeth
Spent smile
Faded youth
Gray hearts
She's not alone
She's not alone
Ages past
She wasn't alone

She's not alone

She's looked down
And time spun up again
Carrying me away again
Away from Her

Time slipped
Everyone slowed
The shoppers
The lovely women in blue
The husband
The wife
Even the kids
My heartbeat
Counted the seconds
1...2...3
My breath stopped
Her eyes met mine
1...2...
Smile
1...
The world sighed

I closed my eyes
And let go

Floating
Dreaming
Silent

Green eyes
Blond hair
Ruby lips
Faded meadow
Ash fall forest
Black teeth
Spent smile
Faded youth
Gray hearts
She's not alone
She's not alone
Ages past
She wasn't alone

Breathe
Time again
Shopping
Circling
The woman in blue walks by
And caught my eye

It's time
I know what needs to be
I know what I have to be
It is time
To harden my heart
And let go
Of sentimentality
To loosen
And let go
Of the bonds of love

The truth slides in
Like a knife between the ribs
Cutting
Changing
The pain is surreal
And the path it leaves
Leads me astray
I'm in danger of losing
All I've gained
In danger of being
That lost soul I was
I can feel myself slipping
Along that road
I can feel myself losing control
I can feel time running out

I was sitting in my garden
Enjoying the night
When Dawn suddenly broke
Blessed day from night
The sun's warmth
Everything bright and clear
Then the birds...
The birds took up their chorus
Complex and joyous
My heart warm from the sun
Sang with the birds

How can this be
How can day spring so sudden
From night
How can the sweet choir spring
From silence
But I knew
I knew the magic
That made this wonder
It was you
When you looked at me
And called my name

If you focus on the horizon
The light plays tricks
On your mind.
You see what you want to see
Or you see your own
Nightmares

Things die
Its the way of the world
But why
Did our love have to die
Before us

Will the rotted and dying root
Will it poison us
And destroy the fruit we bore
Will it foul the world
Will it foul all around us
And destroy the fruit

Or

Will it bring rebirth
New opportunity
And new love
Fueled by the seeds
Of the former
A new life
A new happiness
And a new strength

I thought I should call
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I shouldn't call
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I was neurotic
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I should grow up
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I could be happy
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I should stay away
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought she doesn't care
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought maybe she does
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I could guess
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I knew
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I had a future
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought it was all hopeless
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I should give up
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought of suicide
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought of being better
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I could go on
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I shouldn't call
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I should call
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I loved her
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought she deserves better
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I should die
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought I should live
Then I thought Fuck it
I thought to go on
Then I thought Fuck it
Fuck it all
Fuck
It
All
But mostly
I fucked myself

Living alone
Staring
At my breath in the mirror
Life passes
Outside
Life moves at its own pace
Without me
Standing
Sitting
Being
Alone

Life's little nibs
Lead the way
Love's little fibs
Lead you astray
One broken down
Hopeless corner
After another
Life's little traps
Keep me at bay
Love is a trap
Keeping me away

Swim against the tide
Give up on your dreams
Some things
Were never meant to be
In reach

Run down the last hope
Give up all the rest
Some things
Will always be
Outside your grasp

Life's little lies
Loves false hopes
Life's traps
I've set for myself

Deal with your demons
Yes ma'am
Do ma'am
But deal with them
On your own time
If you please ma'am

The engineers were wrong
They said
The engineers were wrong
Take us to the edge
They said
But the engineer
Were wrong
Make us fast
They said
Sail on over the top
But
The engineers were wrong
The engineer were wrong

Fluffy fluffy
My name is Duffy
I'm gonna ease your ills
Let me poke
Let me prod
Let me just give you
A handful of pills
Go on home
Don't care what you do
Just come back
To git your refills
I'll charge you double
But you'll get what you want
Refills and refills
Of pills, pills, pills
All of which
To double, triple and skyrocket
Your ills!

I feel you clawing
At the edges of my mind
I hear your whispers
I see your dreams
I don't know how much longer
I can avoid your face
How long
Can I ignore your call
How long before
I give in
Hoping to rest within your arms

I look nowhere
Nowhere to look
I say nothing
Nothing to say
I hear silence
Silence is all there is
I feel empty
Empty is all I am
You are the light
I never got to see
You are the hope
I never got to speak
You are the songs
I never got to hear
You are love
I never got to feel

Tomorrow comes
Another chance
To see and hear
To love and feel
Or to stare again
Into the abyss

The end might be
Just another seam
The cracks exposed
Laying in wait
At the bottom of the sea
Tidal emotions
Flood reason's bulwark
Tsunami abused
Battered beaten
Violated
Uptempo
To a thin veneer
But when you smile
The cracks appear
And the end just seems
Like another day

Trust and reality
A multicolored ferris wheel
Spinning round and round
And round
Lights
Sounds
Laughter
Carnival callers
Sweet cotton candy love
Spinning round
A grindstone
Grist mill
Crushing
Grinding
Hope and dream
Floury ingredients
Nourishing the unspoken other
That immutable other
That vampire spirit
Taking
Spinning the ferris wheel web
False reality
False hope
Kept dizzy by the spin
Lights shown to be placards
Laughter screams
Calls of destruction
Love's empty rotten promise
Spent

Sometimes the battleship sinks
Nothing you can do
You just hold on
Paddle like crazy
Try to stay afloat
And wait
Knowing the sharks
Are on their way.

Put the knuckles
To the brass
Grass inside glass
Get ready
And run
Get set and
Go go go
Get set
And go
Set the world on fire
Let it roar
Higher
Set the world on fire
And go go go
Gonna miss you
When you're gone
Gotta Lotta places to be
Gotta get ready
Get set
I'm gone gone gone
Worlds on fire

Promises, friendship and love
Are very much like water
They make us
They sustain us
We need them to survive
But for all their power
For all their terrifying force
They can still slip
So easily between our fingers
Lost and sullied
Gone
Then the thirst comes
Stealing away your soul
Devouring
Crushing
Nothing else matters
But satisfying that thirst
We drink poisen
We drink filth and sewage
Hastening our death
Or we steal from others
A drop at a time
Putting off the inevitable
For just a few more moments
But we are doomed nonetheless
And we look at last
Upon our hands
Which once held so much
And now empty
And we weep alone
Finally realizing
What we've lost

What I've lost.

What's the point of it all
I fall
I fall
I fall

I slip and fall
Just out of grace
All I wanted was redemption
But I fell too far
Out of place

I want to open my veins
Let the blood flow
Up
Up
Up to the heavens

My blood is boiling over
Filled with the love
You've given
I cannot contain
The love you've given

Spilled and soaring
Let it rain down
And flood the earth
Let my blood be Spilled
Til nothing but love remains

Born at the wrong place
At the wrong time
I arrive
Just in time
To meet you
Time shift down
I just missed the mark
Didn't quite make it
But I found your heart
Its not quite the same
Living out of phase
Being but not
Seen and unseen

Basket in the glow
Of a summer time breeze
Its enough that you're close
Its enough
That you're here

Fucked m'self over
With what we'll call
Naive reluctance
Bullshit!
Psychobabble horse shit
I'm a fuckn loser
Playing at intelligent design
Fucked myself over

There's a lot of dark
Between one light and the next

They lived in 2 different worlds
Separated by boxes of steel and glass
Each following their own path
A few feet apart
And they never meet
A glance
An unspoken acknowledgement
Of each existence
And nothing more

The line is silent
The letter unwritten
The message not sent
The waiting is in vain
She isn't there

I'm a familiar stranger
A coming and going
A haint of the past
Whenever I show up
I'm stranger
In places familiar
An unwelcome guest
Shown due courtesy

That feeling of wanting
Anybody
To call or contact you
It is every bit
As lonely and desolate
As the North Sea
Is portrayed to be

A fresh wind blows
With the independence
Of your children
With the knowledge
They can navigate
Their own wide seas

With the wind
Comes the tide
The slow comings and goings
Of everyday life
Carving out the hollow
I feel inside
The once mountain
Standing against the sea
Growing empty
And well worn.

Sitting
Watching the strange old man
As he fell asleep
And I
Feeling the weight of sleep
Began to drift
And wonder why
Why did he do it
Go on and struggle
For what does he wait
Here with me
And wondered  to myself
Why
Am I
Why
Do I
Why
Should I
Why why why
In a purile circle of...

And then he rouses
Bringing the mundane
Back into focus
And I am rescued
By the strange old man
Mumbling about lunch

The consecrated planes
Converge
On something more than
A whimsical urge
The high fluted voices
Dirge
While sublime and ridiculous
Merge
Take heart before
The purge
The overwrought
The silent surge

Deep throated rumbling
And mysterious knocks
Wheels whisper to the road
The dog is snoring
And the night blows
One more silent night
Here with my thoughts
Oh, dear, how I miss you's
And other dark threads
Woven together
As the thunder hints away
Time to tuck them together
And drift off again
Time to make
My own contributions
To the silences of the night.

She'll never see
The look in his eyes
It'll never be

Folded bloodied muddied
Bagged in plastic
Its all that remains
Of you

I thought I saw you
Before...
You were quiet
In your place
Where professors go to hide*
And the homeless to sleep

*line from TV show "River"

One freelance photo after another
Uncommissioned picture after another
Glimpses of frozen time
Put them together
And travel the world
And see
The endless tragedy of life
The pageant of human colors
Celebrating, mourning, living

The roots, tree, blend
Control, comfort
A slow poison turned
Let me shine
When the wind blows
Freedom a breath
A century sigh
Entangled, alone
Twisted barren
Not yet
No, not yet
Sleep
Until time returns

I am selfish,
I understand
But I just want a hug
Where none can be found
I want someone to tell me
That I can make it through
I want some arms around me
To make it through the night
I need someone to be
My backbone when I've none
I need some whispered words
Of kindness and hope
I need some arms around me

But there's none to be found

I'm too selfish
I understand

If I could
Through force of will
Stop you
From being you
Stop you from destroying you

If I could
Through sheer will
I would change
The trajectory of your life

If I could
Stare hard enough
To make you see
So you could find your way

One
Two
Three
Its all I can afford
One two three
Its all I have left
Tomorrow
A memory
Tears drop
One
Two
Three

Just like that
The lights go out
Who's hand is on the switch
Who's hand was on the switch
Who pulled the plug

The sun sets fast
Happy bleeds out
Sadness alone
Darkest repast

Death's glum companion
Picking a past
It comes on so quickly
I don't move so fast

Flood
Choice
No choice
Go on
Give up
Just sit still
Just
Sit still

Cacophonous neuroses
I plead for a moment of silence
Mindless direction
Looking for a path to follow
Looking for pill to swallow
Stretched thin
I am the drumbeat
Of my own dissonance
Clinging round the edges
So simple just to let go
Falling back on the old ways
Looking for a new path
Avoiding the mirrored sociopath
Trying to pick up some melodies
Take them home as my own
Anything to still the voices
Anything to instill the choices

I slide in
Bouncing across the atmosphere
Touching just the surface
Of emotion
Of community
Of life and society
Never quite reaching the surface
Spun out again
Into the spaces in between
Neighbors
Friends
Life and love
Always adjusting
Correcting my trajectory
Trying to reach the safety
Of friendship
Of love
Of humanity
And belonging

Our rage turned outward/inward
Homicide/suicide
We tore ourselves apart
Before we ever got started
Who pulled the knife/trigger
Does it really even matter
Together/apart at last
We carpet the floor

A whisper of intention
The thinnest edge of choice
A deep red consequence
Of no more voice
Tomorrow is never the answer
Today is the truth
Stitch by bloody stitch
You're pulled from the edge
Your Sisiphean task
To battle ageless guilt
One more demon down
Just a little bit of blood
Is spilt
And they drag you from the edge
Stitch by bloody damn stitch

Fill your bowl full
Of cereal and creme
Smile your way through
Try to look serene
Nothing is left
Nothing to do
Sit alone
Pretending you've a clue
Shotgun stands watch
Shells on the shelf
Nobody noticed
When you lost yourself
Dinner bells ring
Where did the day go
Trundle off to bed
There's nothing to know
Sleep comes
The little death
You'll start again tomorrow
A little less sure of breath.

I don't know what I've done
Without you
It feels like it just
Slipped away

I just want to say goodbye
To all those feelings
I just want to climb
Over the next horizon
And
I just want to find
What I've been missing
All these years
But
I'm chained to the past
Drowning in stagnation
Unable to move beyond
Who I've become
Forgive me my limits
And help me pursue
Whatever it is that draws me
Away
Now to unlock the shackles
A step that tenuous step
Breathe the new beginning

If only
I could find the key

My face feels warm
Against the wind
The stars failed to come out
Again tonight
Your voice fades
From my memory
I've lost you
And I don't remember why
It was a pleasant breezy night
Surf gentle on the sand
Whispered voices in the dunes
We made a separate love
Embarrassed eyes rarely met
It was an awkward class
Too many around
You stood alone in the crowd
My heart held still
We made hesitant music
Stacks of busy work
Irritation and joy
You do for me and I for you
It was the start
We never made it to last

I dreamt of you
Sending a toaster
To your mother
The box was damaged
And I don't know
What that means

Back of my hand
Forehead
Wipe
plastic sweat
Close call
Heartbeat rise
Shallow grave
Bad idea
Two can play
Count me out
Candyland slide
Back home again
Fear not
Ain't skeerd
No turning back
Bevey of beauties
Untouched
Retouch that painting
So much for art
Say goodbye
Goodnight
Back of my hand swells
No joy in the night
Crickets remain
Celebrate their delight

One finger on his pulse
One finger up his ass
He didn't know
Which way to turn
And neither did we

Calm demure smiles
She hid her true intent
One last leap of faith
And, she hoped
No more torment

Friends in the tens
A cacophony of opinion
He had a hard enough time
Listening to the only words
Anybody else could hear

With a clear conscience
And a beard like Moses
He said that
There was a trespasser
In his soul
He didn't say
Who or what he meant
He just mumbled
Vague warnings
And a threat in the event...
And he stopped right there
Fixed me with his gaze
Waited
Nodded
And began a new
Mumble haze

Tears fall
One at a time
One for each regret
Each lost love
One for each fading memory

Hitchin a ride
From time to time
Gettin nowhere
Down the road
You call sometimes
Ringin payphone
Cross the street
You been all over the world
Lovin who you meet
I put up this town
Not meanin to settle in
But my ride
It's not movin
And you done gone
Down the the road

The drivel spills
Over my chin
When did it
Start
What was
My sin

The key that leads nowhere

The key that leads nowhere
The flowers in her hair
The single bloom in winter
The smile I once knew

Wrapped in a memory
Put on a shelf
I've forgotten my purpose
I'm somebody else
I've spent too much time
Being alone
I've put away sanity
I never atoned
Sombody somewhere
They said that they cared
I should have known better
You would have been spared

The door left open
The stems without bloom
The snows cover all
The nothingness I know